Writer In Motion – Week 4, Final Draft

I was blessed to have the editorial services of the awesome Justine Manzano, who was so kind and supportive with her feedback that I squeed and giggled for about a day.

In the end, not much has changed from my draft. Justine made some stylistic/grammatical changes, and honestly, I have what I think of as an idiosyncratic style, and if this wasn’t a 1000 word story I might have engaged more and asked about some the changes, like: Is this a stylistic change, and if so, can I get away with doing it this other way even if it’s not the way you would do it? But in this case, a.) It’s just WIM, and b.) idiosyncratic could also mean wrong, so, like, go with the editor with far more experience than you have!

There was one part where I allude to the Darvasi enhancements, and she wondered what that was all about and said I could expand, since my final can be any length I want it to be. My first draft had a made up backstory about it all, but it was like a throw a dart at the wall-type backstory and I’m not happy with it. So instead of expanding, I took the coward’s way out and deleted that sentence. That may not be the right choice, if the reader looks at it and wonders, “Well, what’s the deal with the Darvasi anyway? What’s the conflict? What’s the backstory?” But I thought it would be better than adding a jumble of words that haven’t been CP’d with a crappy backstory I’m not even sold on.

In the end, instead of adding words, I cut it. 979 words, including the title. I hope to revisit this in the future and maybe add an actual good backstory, and then maybe use it as a jumping-off point for a WIP.

Shining Palais on a Hill

Four months after the attack, parts of the Ivory Palais still smoldered blue.

The soft light of evening added an orange cast to the unearthly glow. Sarai passed the checkpoints, one, two, three. Coffee in hand, she traversed the threshold into the stately office of the leader of the world. 

“You wanted to see me, sir?” 

A year before, she had rolled that word in her mouth. “Sir.” Tongue forming over sibilant s, uvula worrying over rhotic r. Practiced over and over, so she didn’t stumble over the novelty of calling this man, of all people, “sir.”  Months after the Darvasi strafed the capital, their landmarks forever tarnished, this, this she could control. “Sir,” said strong and true. 

And today, she would stand strong as she betrayed her planet.

“I’ve approved the retaliatory attack against the Darvasi Syndicate,” the President said, eyebrows raising in anticipation of her response, which was indeed — 

“Are you out of your fucking mind? Sir,” she added belatedly. “It’s unethical.” She needed a better argument than that. If she could avoid doing what she planned by changing the President’s mind instead…

“People want results, Sarai,” he said, not even paying attention to her as he perused his evening feed, dashing hopes of persuasion. “Restitution. And they fear further attacks.” 

“People are idiots,” she said, trying again. “Sir. You do this, and you put New Terra in even more danger than before. The other planets are going to see this as crossing a red line. All for what? Revenge? We cross that Rubicon, and we’re all in danger. Morgan and Jack are in danger…”

Damn. She had crossed a line herself, mentioning the children, obvious in the set of the President’s jaw. He held up a hand. “I know the argument. But I asked you here because you’re the only one who can sell it to the lawyers,” he said. “I value your skills. You know that.” 

“That’s why you hired me, sir.” 

“Indeed.” His mouth quirked in a smile, eyes soft, and she couldn’t help the heat that sprung to her cheeks. “You’re the best in the business.”  Statement of fact. Didn’t even need a nod in response. 

Of course she could convince the lawyers. But she didn’t want to. To stoop to biowarfare, no matter the enemy, was against the ideals of New Terra.  She couldn’t let that happen.

Which form would her rebellion take? She hadn’t yet decided. Leaking the plan to the other human planets? Influencing like-minded scientists to tweak the formula just so?

Sending surreptitious warnings to the Darvasi?

Each subsequent option was more treasonous than the last. And each would wound New Terra, badly, unhealable like the bioluminescent glow still flaming on the Ivory Palace, but she would willingly break this planet she loved, in order to save it. 

The President cleared his throat. “Anyway, what are your updates?”

She paused before answering, hands clenching and unclenching in rhythm. “We’ve got the projections, sir,” she said, stomach roiling. “The virus would only affect the Darvasi who’ve chosen to illegally enhance their powers. No innocents.”

How could he endorse this? This wasn’t the man she knew. Loved. Integrity brightly burning, now a dull sheen.

No innocents. So what? New Terra, deploying pathogens. “We’re not indiscriminately harming, Sarai,” the President now said, looking at her with concern. “We’re trying to rectify a wrong.” He worked his lower lip and then grimaced.  “We’ve been keeping it from you, but that’s not fair, because it relates to your portfolio. The Syndicate tried to assassinate me a few days ago. We kept it under wraps. I didn’t tell our kids. I didn’t tell the First Lady. And…I didn’t tell you.”

Sarai stumbled as she sat, accidentally spilling coffee on her clothes. Assassination? 

The Darvasi had tried to kill the man sitting in front of her. This man, the president of New Terra, her ex-husband, the unrequited love of her life.

And he had put her in the same category as their children. Same as the First Lady. Someone he didn’t want to worry. 

Stop, Sarai. Don’t wish. Don’t hope. Stop breaking your ruined heart.

“You absolutely should have told me, sir,” she said instead, tart voice and all.  “Let me do my job.”

Her job. Sell the lawyers on something anathema to her. Could she do it? Instead of committing treason? Just follow orders, doing something she knew was wrong?

She was the best. That’s why she had been called to the seaside mansion a year ago by the President-Elect’s transition team, and been asked to join the administration as Planetary Security Advisor. Why instead of laughing in their faces, she had nodded sagely and inquired, delicately, about the optics of having her, of all people, on this man’s staff. It was worth it, the transition team said. She was the best. 

“Sir,” the secretary broke in over the console, “you have dinner with the First Lady in twenty minutes.” 

He took in a breath and nodded over the screen, and returned his eyes to Sarai. But she had seen it — she hated that she had seen it — that little grimace at the mention of his wife. A burning beacon.

Don’t hope. Don’t start.

She stood on a precipice. Each direction led to damnation. Betray New Terra, and him. Or destroy her soul. And his.

He could have been killed. The realization rocketed through her mind, an aggressive whisper, rustling her carefully-constructed cathedrals. Who cared about her wish? Who cared about her scruples? None of it mattered. He could have died. This man. The father of her children. 

She could do the work. Assist this horrendous retaliation. For New Terra. For…for him.

By all that was holy, she’d do anything for him.

She wiped her hands on her skirt, as if she could wash away the stain.

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